Marcy sat in the oversized chair, hugging her knees and bawled like a baby. He changed my life. I can’t trust. I can’t be vulnerable. I have to be in charge. And, it’s all because of him. He made me like this! He damaged me and you want me to forgive him? That makes no sense. I can’t do it.
Marcy, it doesn’t mean what he did was okay. Can’t you see how emotionally attached you are to him? It doesn’t matter that you haven’t seen him in over 20 years. He’s in your life every day, because you’re holding on to him so tightly. What if instead of saying, I forgive, you just let him go? Put the gavel down, step out of the judges box. Can you say, I let him go and I’ll let someone else judge him.
Her shoulders bounced and her heart raced as she said the words,
I let him go. I’m sick of demanding he make it right. I’m too tired to be his judge.
Forgiveness does not mean what the offender did is acceptable. Forgiveness does not give the offender a pass. Forgiveness does not mean, The Most Powerful Wins. Hurtful exchanges with people connect us to them emotionally, just like a positive experience does. That emotional connection remains in place when we focus on the injustice.
Forgiveness is a gift to self. When we forgive, we’re free to laugh again, without thinking, Is my offender having a good day? I hope my offender has a terrible day. The courageous decision to forgive allows us to emotionally disconnect from the offender. We are able to move forward in life. Forgiveness means the offense is a part of the past and I’m able to move forward with my life.
Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.
Paul Lewis Boese